Re: Faculty Research Ethics Education. Was "Graduate Research Ethics Education"

Dr Love (
Thu, 14 Sep 1995 08:58:59 GMT

"Liz Johnson" <> wrote:
>Graduate Research Ethics Education

>A Workshop at
>Indiana University
>Supported By:
>*The National Science Foundation

The people who brought you the postdoc glut.
NOW offer you the opportunity to look like you are "certifiably ethical" by including
this workshop in your CV!
Amaze your friends, family and people at the unemployment office with your ability
to argue about how many pinhead philosophers can dance on the head of an angel.

The NSF....
Because Looking good is better than being good (if you know what I mean)


Topics to be discussed:

1) The care and feeding of Grad students.
Faculty will learn how to hand projects to novices, -This class teaches how to intice
young, smart and energetic people to work very hard for you while paying them little.
Substantial opportunities for abuse!
Learn how to make and imply empty promises .

2)Juggling postdocs.
Heads of departments from many famous Universities will give a demonstration of how toto
throw postdocs out the door, with a smile. They will then explain how easily it is for
a postdoc to land on his feet (Totally lecture. No demonstartion planned for this part).

3) What to do about those unsightly stains on the careers of many young scientistz.?
Bleach, and lots of it, is an effective whitewash . You will learn how to wash your h
hands of any involvement in the career of your former students while attracting more o
fresh blood. Learn to effectively utilize the spin cycle.

4) Future problems
A round table discussion will demonstrate the concern of many departments at the
current difficulty of maintaining a straight face as they lure more suckers into thier
Faculty will be encouraged to chant "All we need is more money" and more students" .

5)The New economy.
Why pay more! Diplomas are so much cheaper to hand out than dollars. Learn how to fake
what many undergraduates mistake for money. Diplomas are cheap, and can be printed o
on recycled paper (because we care for the environment). Get into this fast growing
business opportunity NOW, while supplies last (or are dumb enough).
(NOTE: Not responsible for any inflationary or speculative activity this might cause)

6)Evening activities.
Kitten Drowning. An effective response to too many cats is demonstrated.
Participation expected!
(NOTE: Due to last year's response we have tripled the number of kittens . We r
promise there will not be a repeat of last year's shortage. But please use
only the kittens assigned, do not bring your own (Animal regulations, you know))

Remember. If you are hiring techs and other (semi)permenant positions for your lab,,
you have not learned how to effectively utilize our greatest resourcee. PEOPLE!
In today's competitive and cost effective environment you cannot afford to miss t
these golden opportunities!


Dr Love