UPDATE ON CLASS-ACTION LAWSUIT (gov't vs. Bots-R-Us/re:ConradBot v1.0)

Ed Conrad (edconrad@prolog.net)
10 Dec 1996 14:16:50 GMT

As a courtesy to all those who have suffered irrepairable harm
by being subjected to insults resulting from a faulty product --
ConradBot v1.0 -- Mr. Curtis M. Greenwald, president and CEO of
Bots-R-Us, has released a copy of a letter he has received from the
law firm of Dewew, Cheatham and Howe, as well as a copy of his
attorney's letter of explanation and apology which has just been
delivered to President Judge Wallace R. Whiting who will hear the
case in Court Room 4 in Superior Court, Philadelphia, at 9:30 a.m.,
Wednesday, Jan. 29.

>>Curtis M. Greenwald
>>Dec. 6, 1996

>Dear Mr. Greenwald,

>This is to inform you that a product liability class action suit has
>been filed against Bots-R-Us in Superior Court. We shall show that
>your firm have caused substantial pain and suffering to the readers of
>talk.origins, sci.bio.paleontology and sci.skeptic by careless and
>negligent propagation of a faulty product. We seek redress for the
>excruciating intellectual pain caused by this flagrantly vile and
>unethical product to the extent of $1,000 for each reader of said
>newsgroup as direct damages plus punitive damages to the amount of
>$3,000 for each said reader, persons reading more than one group to be
>counted separately for each group read.

> Irving C. Codswallop,
> Attorney at Law,
> Dewew, Cheatham and Howe.


Herewith is a copy of a letter written by Atty. Wendell R. Weinstient
on behalf of Mr. Curtis R. Greenwald which has just been delivered
to President Judge Wallace R. Whiting's chamber by legal courier.

The Hon. Wallace R. Whiting
President Judge
Superior Court (District 7)
1444-1498 East Market St.
(Independence Square)
Philadelphia, Pa. 19005
Dec. 10, 1996

Dear Judge Whiting:

We would like to enter this Letter of Testimony on behalf of Curtis M.
Greenwald, president and CEO of Bots-R-Us, with regard to the class
action lawsuit which has been filed against our company for damages
caused by ``careless and negligent propagation of a faulty product."

Mr. Greenwald apologizes for the erratic behavior of ConradBot v.1
during the nine months the automated, improperly functional robotic
program has been tiptoeing through the news groups of the Internet.

He wants you to know that he had no inkling that this particular bot
has been running wild and delivering a tirade of accusations, insults
and, if I may say so, blasphemy against establishment scientists and
their prestigious institutions of higher learning.

When Mr. Greenwald became aware of the disruption that ConradBot
was causing not only in the United States but around the globe, he had
taken immediate action to rectify the problem.

As you may or may not know, members of Bots-R-Us security force
finally caught up to ConradBot at a diner off Route 61 just outside
Cleveland, Ohio, around 8:45 p.m. last Saturday evening.

Naturally, when first questioned about his true identity, ConradBot
v1.0 gave an alias, claiming he was Carl Sagan. However, when
eventually confronted with the massive amount of paperwork -- more
than 1,360 hostile postings -- he finally owned up to it.

ConradBot then reluctantly agreed to allow us to take him to a nearby
computer warehous where we performed remedial surgery. Although it
had taken some time and considerable effort, we really, really think
we have solved the problem once and for all.

We are pleased to report that, once worn-out bits were replaced and
ultra-modern connective resusitators installed during reprogramming,
ConradBot was given a psychological examination. To our satisfaction,
he is not longer accusing anthropologists and paleontologists
scientists with deceipt, dishonesty, corruption and collusion in the
pursuit of honest answers to legitimate questions about man's origin
and ancestry.

In fact, he even told us he now believes in Santa Claus (which, in his
former state, he approximated as being on about the same wave length
as a belief in the evolutionary theory of the origin of man).

Judge Whiting, we here at Bots-R-Us never intended to cause any
irrepairable brain disfunction to the many, many thousands of regular
readers of talk.origins, sci.bio.paleontology and other news groups.
It was a human error, beyond our control.

For our transgression in allowing a computer brain-damaged bot to run
loose on the Internet for nine months, we can only say we're sorry. It
is our fervent desire that you exercise your influence and have the
matter settling out of court, before it actually reaches your bench.

It really is not that we're afraid of being found guilty and paying a
very stiff fine -- or even reimbursing each reader of the news groups
$1,000 for each reading of an insulting posting by ConradBot.

Our major concern is that, during interrogation, Conradbot admitted
with a strange, evil smile that he hadn't just been sitting at the
keyboard these past nine months. He revealed he has been involved
in a few -- let's see, how can I put it gracefully? -- ``romantic
interludes" over this time span.

ConradBot told us he had been masquerading as a traveling lingerie
salesman all the way from Shenandoah, Pa., to Masillon, Ohio, and has
had quite a number of one-night stands.

For that reason, we fear the very worse because we are all very much
aware of the major headaches that just one wayward ConradBot has given

Judge Whiting, our primary concern right now is what we're going
to do when, in a few short years, all of those little Baby Bots are
old enough to reach the keyboard.

Wendell R. Weinstien
Weinstien, Weinstien, Weinstien and Beirmugg

cc: Atty. Irving C. Codswallop

Henry Butterworth Barwood
Carlington D. Sagan
Executor, The Estate of Charles Darwin