Wonk, Wonk, Wonk...

Vance Geiger (geiger@PEGASUS.CC.UCF.EDU)
Thu, 16 May 1996 22:30:50 -0400

Wonk, Wonk, Wonk...

ANNOUNCING A NEW SERVICE! ETHNOGRAPHIC REAL ESTATE ANALYSIS
(E-REA) (USE IT TWICE AND GET...)

So! You found that perfect house. You love the kitchen, you
love the size, you love the screened in patio and pool. You like
the price. You've checked out the schools and they're OK! It's
not too far from work, there's a strip mall nearby with all the
important suburban services (grocery store, dry cleaner, video
store and pizza place!). There's a REAL MALL not too far away
for those times when you need a good MALL CRAWL.

You think you're already to move in but...

WHAT'S MISSING?

You've checked out everything BUT the MOST IMPORTANT kind of
information you need! You've checked out everything but the
NEIGHBORS! I mean, who are they? They're strangers, and you're
going to go and live right there on the same street with them?
Around the corner from them! You're kids are going to play with
their kids, BUT WHO ARE THEY REALLY????

You need to know about those neighbors! You need ETHNOGRAPHIC
REAL ESTATE ANALYSIS.

At E-REA we'll check them out for you! We'll get the information
you need to make a truly informed decision before you buy, before
you committ to living with these people.

We'll do a full ETHNOGRAPHIC analysis of you potential
neighborhood and those neighbors. We'll get the low down:

Who works where? For whom? For how much?
How long have these people been living there? Are they just
transients? Do you want to live with transients?
How they voted last election?
What books do they read? Do they read books? Can they read?
What TV shows they watch?
What radio stations do they listen to? After all, if they're
into Rush and you're into NPR, well, what are you gonna talk
about?

Full Demographics! Ages, genders, fertility, life expectancies
based on full kinship and family disease heritability estimates.
After all just how long do you want these people around?

Pedigrees! Are we talking Blue-Bloods or Red-Necks? Straw-
boaters or gimmee caps? You will want to know how to dress
around the neighborhood. Includes full ethnic analysis back ten
generations. Were they really on the Mayflower?

Full criminal and credit checks! Whose been through bankruptcy?
Who will buy fund-raising gee-gaws you're kids are going to have
to sell.

Lifestyle Enclave Analysis! Is it Golf? Is it Tennis? Polo?
Lacrosse? Bass Fishing (God forbid!)? Hunting Caribou by
Helicopter? You need to know the ruling leisure time passions of
your neighbors! Art? Dance? The Theatre? Jeapordy? Wheel of
Fortune? Truly inquiring home buyers need to know!

Cognitive Class! You don't want to live in a neighborhood with a
bunch of dummies! Nor do you want to live with with a bunch of
geniuses who will humiliate your kids! Full estimated IQ's
through the Third Differential Estimation Method (accepted by
finer psychometrcians everywhere)!

AND MORE!

We at E-REA will move into the neighborhood, we'll watch, we'll
record, we'll interview! We'll collect the background data!
We'll get DEEP BACKGROUND data so needed to make an informed
choice about your neighbors!

REMEMBER! YOU JUST LIVE IN A HOUSE... YOU MUST LIVE WITH YOUR
NEIGHBORS!

E-REA is the FUTURE! You don't want to be locked inside that
gated sub-division with just anybody!

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E-REA is staffed by fully accredited PhD anthropologists with
experience in analyzing communities. E-REA is dedicated to
providing potential home buyers with the best information on
their potential neighbors as well as providing employment for PhD
anthrpologists who cannot find work in academia. GET INFORMED
and help keep a PhD off of welfare!