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may stay dead too much to hope
Daniel A. Foss (U17043@UICVM.BITNET)
Sat, 9 Mar 1996 04:55:50 CST
from its traditional date, Feb 29. If you weren't informed of the *new* date,
we consider you one of Them. - daf for PTF]
[Note: New pp 599-602 of A History of the Paranoid Peoples, Fourth Ed. Be sure
to cut out the *old* pp 599-602, throw away, replace with enclosed text.]
We Paranoids think so much, all the time, really, of Pat Buchanan, that
someday soon we'll invite him around to our Inner Circle where, well, he'll
never know what hit him. Some of our boys are, let's be up front about this,
violently insane. Others of us are, of course, loyal Protestants, keeping
alive the memory of Popish Plots. Who but us, really, today recall Popish
Plots? That, Paranoids, is the very problem. While Buchanan poses as a
Paranoid in false-coloured wolf's clothing, telling us he'll become the
first Paranoid president, our own redblooded-armenian faction recognizes him
for the Papist he is. The first Paranoid president, see above, Ch 15, "The
Plot To Prevent The Civil War," was, of course, Millard Fillmore, 1850-3,
thanks to timely use of poison. [Note: In 1991 a historian had the remains of
Zachary Taylor, president, 1849-50, exhumed and tested for arsenic. The con-
clusions were inaccurate in that it was *not* established that Taylor died of
"natural causes"; only that the poison wasn't arsenic.] Later, in 1856, Fill-
more was the presidential candidate of the armenian or Know-Nothing, party.
Its poor showing, after a splendidly alarming campaign kickoff, occurred
because there were, as usual, more of Them than there were of us.
Know-Nothings were misnamed. A Know-Nothing was, we recall, supposed to know
Everything but, when interrogated, was required to say, "I know nothing," until
the pain got too severe to keep this up. Few know-nothings, needless to say,
were told anything really sensitive, because they drank as much as the Papists
they rightly charged with alcoholism. While thus intoxicated, know-nothings and
Papist immigrants would engage in their dreary daily round of violence, using
guns, knives, blunt instruments, or if worst came to worst, bare fists. (*)
The program of the know-nothings was simple (and today approved by Pat
Buchanan; except that, back then, he'd have been kicked out or left to starve
in enforced illiteracy): Send the Papist immigrants back to Ireland, Germany,
etc; deny them, as noncitizens, access to the rudimentary social sevices in
existence as charitable beneficence; and reserve the crummy jobs for Native-
Savage armenians. To spread the message and raise spare change, they sold
pamplets revealing details of the Popish Plot, all the more dangerous because
wholly fictitious; to make render these tracts spicier, if not quite interest-
ing, there were details of another sort about Goings-On in Popish nunneries
the sources wherefor were imaginary confessions of fictitous escapees from
nonexistent religous orders. Not, you understand, this was conscious diffusion
of lies; rather, had "urban legends" then been understood then as we do now,
Protestant slanderers might better have comprehended better what they did, but
would hardly have ceased doing it. For there were precious few media perusable
by the Fundamentalist Protestant since Charles Grandison Finney, superstar of
the Second Great Awakening which peaked in Rochester NY in 1831, proved with
greater clarity than ever before that armenians were Stronger Than Dirt,
excepting only that revelatory of that which was Dirty in those who competed
most bitterly for Hearts and Minds. And Dirty it was, given that Explicit would
not be invented for a long time to come.
The present author, speaking for himself only, favors our Doing Away With
The Explicit, and reverting, refreshingly, to the good old Dirty.
The Popish Plot, circa 1840-60 (later also 1890-4; 1922-6) was the greatest
Paranoid success story in armenian politics since the Conspiracy of the Illumi-
nati (1797-8) and the Masonic Plot (1823-4). It was, however, the first time
the Paranoid Secret Weapon, hysteria, was used against Real People (as there
hadn't been any Order of the Illuminati in Illinois or Indiana or Masonic Order
in Vermont to conspire). The latter, however, readily passed for white (some,
admittedly, did require a bath); when summoned by a whistle or suchlike signal
by a Tammany Sachem (symbolic of the Iroquois and their egalitarianism which
all accepted on blind faith) into a formidable mob they surged downtown to
the courthouse, became citizens the same day, and registered to vote as
Democrats. Lessons, in due course, were learned in due course by the Paranoid
forces; among the more important of these was that one or more of Buchanan's
forebears had escaped Persecution duly coming to him; it's our suggestion that
this Buchanan dressed up as Protestant, beat up the Catholics with the other
boys, then went home to his Papist neighbourhood recounting how valiantly he
bashed the Hereticks.
Like his hero Adolf Hitler - Pat calls him "a man of moral courage" -
Buchanan is a Papist; howbeit the latter claims to believe in Popery (which
the former didn't). The most "morally courageous" thing Hitler did was to
declare war on the US of armenia when apprised of the bombing of Pearl
Harbour. He did it out of the purest Nazi-Fascist principle, not by treaty
obligation; the Japanese hadn't asked. Buchanan has done the same. For the
moment, he is not the ruler of a great power, as Hitler was. Though he expects
to eliminate this distinction by taking power in the US of armenia and *then*
waging war on it.
Paranoids, which is what us Good Guys, Gals, and Contraptions are, believe
as passionately as the Baddies in the First Strike, if we believe in anything.
Consider Weimar Germany. The forces of democracy, the SPD, mainly, as it was
the largest party of the Broad Masses, organized the *Reichsbanner*, a counter-
goonsquad, replete with uniforms, marching bands, pitifully inadequate caches
of firearms, and red (or at least pinkish) flags; the principle of the thing
was, stomp the Nazi *Sturnabtelung* (brownshirts, stormtroopers) *first*,
the latter's sole purpose, as you know, was to stomp the SPD first. What sort
of Democratic Process or Rule of Law this allowed is difficult to say. But it
slowed the brownshirts down, at least a bit. The trick works; the idea is,
get started *early enough*, which the SPD neglected to do. (Wherefore, in
1933-4, the Nazis swept up the vestiges of the SPD into the Camps, where they
enjoyed an enforced vacation from politics in the most insalubrious accommo-
dations.
Join the Liberal goon squad in your local community. Never underestimate
the power, the violence, even, of a woman; and I have it on good authority
that Barbara Ruth Campbell knows how to inflict acute death by disrupting the
flow of a nazi-fascist's *qi*, using one finger, maybe two. She's herewith
nominated for Commander and Director of Training. (Why bother aiming guns,
which they own, we don't.) There're lotsa other possibilities, so remember,
THOSE WHO SAY, DON'T SAY. THOSE WHO KNOW, DON'T KNOW. (The civil war and
reolution *will* be televised; airtime may already have been sold on all
four networks and CNN, minimum. Precedent is roundtheclock endoftheworld
coverage plans at the time of the Cuban Missile Crisis, 1962.)
Daniel A. Foss, ex-Chair, Paranoid Studies
<terrorists for clinton>
<vote clinton for shirts a slightly lighter shade of brown>
<discrimination based exclusively on reality preference is immoral, illegal,
unconstitutional, and insane: this is self-evident obvious commonsense>
<hire the paranoid in proportion to the representation of paranoids in the
US population, 17% at least>
<enroll today in the Paranoid Studies pogrom of your choice to become a
professional paranoid with phd. what's a professional paranoid? something
like chinese *feng-shui*. you suppose you've got something to worry about.
you call a professional paranoid, the latter finds nothing to worry about.
you certainly have nothing to worry about. if the p.p. finds something to
worry about, you may or may not have something to worry about.>
[Final Note: Ostensibly insane remarks, assertions, suppositions, or the like
are PERFECTLY REASONABLE in the present context. Think about it. More later.]
once again,
Daniel A. Foss
<an experience which cannot be expressed in fewer words than you can stand.>
(*)Further reading: Those interested in a factual account of Catholic
immigrant persecution should consult Ray Allan Billington, The Protestant
Crusade, Quadrangle Books, 1964.
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