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This one's NOT about a bummer!
Mike Salovesh (t20mxs1@CORN.CSO.NIU.EDU)
Sat, 3 Aug 1996 01:49:40 -0500
I have been wondering how long it will be until airports start posting signs
about forbidden words. Just couldn't resist sending the text I wrote
for those signs, just in case they ask my advice.
DEAR PASSENGER:
On-The-Ground Air Lines is happy to welcome you to our
new airport facilities. To make your trip more enjoyable,
please be aware that loose lips sink air ships. We suggest
that you follow these guidelines:
1. On-The-Ground Air Lines is an equal opportunity employer.
We do not tolerate discrimination for any reason, and we
are particularly sensitive to issues of color. Your seat
companion could come from anywhere on earth. It is possible
that she could be an African American woman whose nose has
gotten a little shiny. Please do not make the mistake of
suggesting that she use some black powder. Talk like that
could redirect your flight and send you on a visit to a penal
facility wherever the flight comes to rest. In such a case,
we will not be responsible for issuing a refund for the
return portion of your round-trip ticket.
2. The United States Constitution prohibits any interference
with your freedom of religion. We don't mind if you preach
a sermon while waiting for us to check another passenger's
photo ID. If you must preach, however, please try to avoid
mentioning the Balm of Gilead, or Christ's expulsion of the
money-changers from the Temple. You might be misunderstood.
A little forethought can save you a long interview with the
airport security police, who have developed extreme
sensitivity to the words "balm" and "expulsion".
3. Smoking is not permitted on domestic flights. We do allow
you to say that you miss your cigarettes or a good cigar.
If you favor the taste of tobacco in a good briar, we prefer
that you find some other place to talk about it. No matter
how much you miss it, mentioning that you packed a pipe in
your luggage will be looked at with great disfavor.
4. If you are British, please be aware that certain words
are not used in polite society on this side of the Big
Pond. We are not prudes, and we don't care whether you
are suffering from hemorrhoids, but please be careful not to
refer to how your sitting end feels. On-The-Ground Air
Lines deplores the use of the word "bum" for any reason.
5. We prefer that businessmen and investors take a bearish, not
a bullish, view of the economy. Our flight crews take it
personally when they hear anyone say there's a boom coming.
Please be assured that On-The-Ground Air Lines is making
every possible effort to insure that your flight departs
on time and arrives safely. In view of recent events, you
might wish to take out additional insurance for yourself.
On behalf of your flight crew and all the happy employees of
On-The-Ground Air Lines, welcome aboard. Have a nice day!
======================================================================
In the last couple of weeks several people have been arrested at O'Hare
International Airport because they made jokes that were little worse than
those above. I guess you can't even say that's a bummer. Not if you're
at O'Hare. We Chicagoans have notoriously bad listening habits, and God
knows what we'd hear if you said anything like that.
Doesn't that just blow you away?
-- mike salovesh, anthropology department <salovesh@niu.edu>
northern illinois university PEACE !
NOTE FOR THE LITERAL MINDED: This whole message is a joke. Really.
I'm sorry if you don't think it measures up to the very first joke
about airplanes:
"Well, I told Orville, and I told Wylbur. Now I'm telling you:
That thing will never get off the ground!"
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