forward from Muslim net

Ila (
Mon, 19 Dec 1994 00:22:22 -0800


This seemed apropos to this newsgroup. If not, please excuse it.

> How I'll Become an American - Baljit S Toor
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> I have been Indian for XX years. I'll try something else for
> the next YY. I'll try to be an American, for instance, North American,
> I mean. As an American, I'll speak English fluently. I'll make American
> mistakes instead of Indian mistakes and I'll call them slang.
> As an American, I'll have a credit card. Or two. I'll use
> and misuse them and have to pay the fees. I'll apply for other cards right
> away.Golden Visa. Golden American. Golden Gate. And I'll buy a car, a
> American car. Then I'll sell my car and buy a smaller West German car
> it's reliable and doesn't use so much gasoline. Later, I'll sell it and
> a smaller Japanese car with a computer aboard. Then I'll sell it and buy a
> camper. When I sell the camper I'll buy a bicycle.
> As an American, I'll buy a dog. And a cat. And a goat. And a white
> whale. And also some big stones as pets.
> I'll live in my own house. It will be mine, except for the 99
> mortgage. I'll sell my house and buy a condo. I'll sell my condo and
> buy a mobile home. I'll sell my mobile home and buy an igloo. I'll sell
> my igloo and buy a tent. As an American, I'll be clever: I'll sell my
> igloo and buy a tent when I move to Florida from Alaska.
> Anyway, I'll move a lot. And I'll buy the best dishwasher,
> dryer and hi-fi in the world - that is, the USA. I'll have warranty for
all -
> or my money back. I'll use automatic toothbrushes, egg boilers and garage
> doors. I'll call every single number starting 1-800.
> I'll buy the fastest food I can get and I'll eat it very slowly
> because I'll watch TV during the meals. Of course, I'll buy a VCR. I'll
> the taped programs and then retape. Sometimes, I'll retape first.
> As an American, I'll have an answering machine too. The outgoing
> message will promise that I'll call you back as soon as possible, but
> it won't be possible soon.
> If I answer the phone as an exception, I'll tell you that I can't
> talk now because I have a long-distance call on the other line but I'll
> you back as soon as possible ( see above ).
> And I'll get a job. I'll always be looking for a better job, but
> I won't get the job I want. I'll work really hard since as an American I
> be rich. I'll always be in a hurry: Time is Money. Unfortunately, my time
> won't be worth as much money as my bosses' time. Sometimes, I'll have
> some time and I still won't have enough money. Then I'll start to hate
> the wisdom of this saying.
> As an American, sometimes I'll be badly depressed. I'll be the
> of 12 psychiatrists, and I'll be disapointed with all of them. I'll try
> to change my life a little bit. I'll try to exchange my wives, my cars, my
> lovers, my houses, my children, my jobs and my pets.
> Sometimes, I'll exchange a few dollars into other currencies and
> travel to Europe, Hawaii, Tunisia, Martinique and Japan. I'll be
> happy to see that people all over the world are jealous of us Americans.
> I'll take at least 2000 snapshots on each trip. I'll also
> buy a video camera and shoot everywhere. I'll look at the tapes, photos
> slides, and I'll try to remember my experiences when I have time and am in
> the mood. But I won't have time or be in the mood because I'll get
> depressed again and again.
> I'll smoke cigarretes. Then I'll be afraid of cancer and I'll
> I'll smoke cigars. And opium. I'll take a breather and then try LSD and
> heroin and cocaine and marijuana. To top it all off: crack. I'll try to
> but I won't be able.
> I'll call 1-800-222-HELP. If nothing helps, I'll have some gay
> experiences. And swing. And if I am still unhappy, I'll make the final
> effort: I'll try to read a book. I'll buy some best sellers. I'll prefer
> James A. Michener. My second favorite will be the "How to Be Rich in
> Seven Weeks". I'll try to follow this advice in seven years.
> I'll always be concerned about my health as an American. I won't
> anything but health food until I get ill. From time to time, I'll read
> in the paper that I should stop eating meat, sugar, bread, fiber,grains,
> iron, toothpaste, and that I should stop drinking milk, soda, water, acid
> rain. I'll try to follow this advice, but then I'll read in the paper that
> I should do it the other way around.
> I'll be puzzled. "Hey, I don't even know what cholesterol is !".
> I'll stick to decaf coffe, sugar-free cookies, salt-free butter and lead-
> free gasoline. I'll believe that proper diet and exercise make life
> I'll go jogging everyday until I am mugged twice and knocked down three
> Then I'll just exercise in my room but it will also increase my appetite.
> I'll go on several diets, and little by little I'll reach 200 pounds.
> As an American, I'll buy a new TV every time a larger screen
> appears on the market. In the end, the screen will be larger than than
> room. It will be difficult to put this enormous TV into my
> living room; thus, I'll put my living room into the TV. Anyway, my living
> room will look very much like the living rooms you can see on the screen.
> My life won't differ from the lives you can see on the soaps: nobody
> will complain. I won't complain either. I'll always smile.
> After all, we are Americans, aren't we ?.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------------
> -- People say money talks, mine just walks away --