Vance Geiger (geiger@PEGASUS.CC.UCF.EDU)
Tue, 5 Mar 1996 20:12:36 -0500


In a move described as fiscally responsible President Goot today
announced that the U.S. Government would begin to layoff
citizens. In an effort to become a "leaner and meaner"
government, President Goot Ningreich moved to declare that
people who are not "essential" and productive contributors to the
"nation's business" will be let go as citizens.

"This country must be run like a fiscally responsible business!
The U.S. government, like any other business, has a bottom line.
We need to turn this economy around and the only way we are going
to be able to do it is by cutting the deadwood! Henceforth,
anyone taking more from the national treasury than they
contribute will be cut from the citizenship roles. Furthermore,
in keeping with the need to instill 'family values' as the
measure of responsible citizen-employees, those who fail to
conform to the U.S corporate image will be fired."

* anyone receiving EIC benefits
* anyone over 65 years old who is unemployed
* anyone else who is unemployed including those receiving
unemployment benefits
* anyone found to be pregnant but unmarried
* anyone who can be demonstrated to have fathered a child while
not married to the mother
* anyone on food stamps
* anyone convicted of any crime
* anyone even thinking of committing any crime except
embezzlement, insider trading, defrauding the DOD, and all the
rest of the "white collar crimes" that are only committed
according to Goot, "because the laws are so darned complicated!"

Goot also announced a new public education initiative, Total
Quality Citizenship (TQC). "I'm a-historian," Goot said, "in the
past we produced good citizens and we're goin' to git back to it

The initiative would overhaul current K-12 school curriculums in
all fifty states according to the guidelines in TQC.

"If the public school system is not for producing good quality
citizens," asked Goot, "then what is it good for?"

According to the TQC guidelines every student would be required
to have memorized every word of Goot's "History of the Good Guys:
America As It Used To Be and Can Be Again Without All the Cruds"
before they can receive a high school diploma.

Goot concluded his speech with a paraphrasing of the famous words
of John F. Kennedy, "Ask not what America Inc. can do for you,"
said Goot, "but ask what you can do for America Inc.!"

Ningreich signed the memorandum detailing these changes, Goot
Ningreich, President and CEO, United States of America Inc.